Reflection.

If I could turn my last year into a time capsule and bury it in the ground what would I choose to keep? Do I only bottle up the happy moments? Or do I pick my most grieved? How do you capture an immense feeling of stress? Do I take a self portrait of my sleep deprived face or should I just write myself a note, "June 16, 2010: too much stress." Is it possible to bottle up a surplus of love? or do I only include the heart break?

I'm just not exactly sure how I'm supposed to look at my one year post-grad. Has it been a positive or a negative? I can't quite figure it out...

It has been exactly one year since my graduation from college and I find myself doing nothing of what I expected myself to be doing. Fresh off the stage at Key Arena I had big hopes to be living in a big city, traveling to exotic places, meeting the most interesting characters, and writing amazing stories.

Instead I find those dreams put on hold living with my parents in my southern California suburb raising a puppy, babysitting full-time, and coaching a high school girls basketball team.

Instead of traveling to exotic places I have a lovely commute through the industrial city of Commerce which sometimes takes me over two hours to get from Downtown LA to Orange County. On a good day my car won't hit the 100 mile mark. If I can manage, we try to keep it between 90-95 miles in a day.

By the end of the week sometimes my the only word to describe anything that I'm doing is exhaustion. And all of this exhaustion is for what? Who am I working for?

...My aunt who (although very successful) would love to be at home with her amazing daughter, the two year old who depends on me to be there every morning so she doesn't have to go to day care with unknowing strangers? The 34 girls who know essentially nothing about basketball but show up and are trying to learn game that I love? My mom who needs help driving my 86 year old grandma to her doctors appointments? The puppy who is trying really hard to be good but manages to get into anything and everything within jumping reach (which is EVERYTHING)?

Lately it's been feeling as if nothing I'm doing is working towards those optimistic wide-eyed post-grad dreams that I once had. Where in my list of things to do should I ever see anything that is for me? It never says fill out more applications. Write an article. It never reads meet your deadline or do research for that amazing lead. It never says attend that event or meet friends for drinks.

It's been one year since I've graduated from college and I haven't fulfilled any of the wide-eyed dreams that I feel are drifting so far away. And yet I sort of find myself perfectly content. Although I feel on the brink of exhaustion I also feel like I'm exactly where I need to be at this moment. The people that I love and care about most need me home for some reason that only the greater being of God knows.

So on those days when I feel like packing up and leaving it all behind what do I do? I look at the face of the little girl that loves me unconditionally and appreciates every moment that I spend with her. I laugh and play with the puppy who would probably be in a shelter. I listen with an open heart to the wise words of my beautifully aging grandmother and I thank God that I am in a place where even if I'm not sure of my direction I know that everyone I love supports me.

So again, I ask myself what I would put in my time capsule? I would bottle up everything: the love, the heartbreak, the good and the bad. I'd stuff the angry moments and especially the most tired. I'd take the frustration and the self doubt. But most importantly I would take the reassuring feeling that I will always have people in my life to hold me up through all of this.

And I am so excited for whoever finds my time capsule. Because when they open it I think they are going learn a lot. I sure have.

Comments

  1. danica blancaJune 17, 2010 at 3:48 PM

    alyss, i love this :)
    i've got my "one year post-grad" entry in my drafts.. hah!

    ReplyDelete

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