A post from my cell phone at the foot of a hospital bed.

Here's the thing about sitting on the sidelines in this fight against cancer; you don't get to choose the kind of game it's going to be.

I grew up playing basketball. I even coached high school for a few years.

When you're coaching and standing court side you make the decisions... if a player isn't performing, you look to your bench and throw in the subs. When the other team goes on a run, you call a time out and make adjustments. You are ultimately in control of the momentum and direction of the game. You and your team are in control of who gets the "W."

....In this case, you may be sitting on the sidelines with your fancy team of doctors and your vats of poisonous treatments ready for battle... but there are no time outs, there are no subs. There is really only one player out on that court with one body, and no extra vital organs to spare. In this case cancer chooses the momentum of how fast or slow it wants the fight to go. Sometimes after a certain point there is no scoring for your team, all you can do is defend...

It's hard for me to wrap my brain around this concept. I'm a very competative  person. The word "quit" was never allowed to be in my vocabulary. I am trying to understand that maybe the pain is just too much... I am trying to understand that maybe we are all exhausted. But when in your mind and especially in your heart you are fighting with everything you've got it's hard to comprehend the words "I can't do this anymore..."

Now I'm forced to sit back, on the sidelines, trying to comprehend... and wait for the clock to expire.

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