Routines and Crying.

For five months I had adopted a routine. It was a little bit like this*:

Wake up
Worry
Brush teeth
Make breakfast
Medications
Walk dog
Worry
Shower
Lunch
Medications
Work
Worry
Check in
Drive home
Sleep
Worry

*Routine may vary depending on scheduled doctors appointments and treatment days. 

It's funny how your brain and your body forget to break away from a routine when things suddenly change.

The mornings are the hardest. The moment when you first wake up and your eyes are sleepy and your mind is groggy... it's in those first few minutes when you're sorting through the list of what to do next; brush your teeth, make coffee, walk dog, etc. You forget for just a moment that the routine you had for five months is no longer the routine you have now. And you cry just a little bit.

The last couple of days I've been forgetting a lot. And that usually ends with a few tears. On Tuesday's around 11, I start crying. When I'm driving and I accidentally keep going in the direction of the convalescent home that I would visit every day instead of making a left turn, I start crying. When I'm at work around seven o'clock and I don't have to make a phone call just to "check in," I start crying. When I'm selling things that were never supposed to be mine, I start crying...

So it seems for now I'll be doing a lot of that; crying. And I think that's okay. Because I'm supposed to be sad. And I'm supposed to cry.


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