open up your eyes, see the sunny skies

I haven't missed a day. One time I almost missed a day and I had the worst anxiety. I felt distracted. I was worried. I felt guilty. So I made my visit late at night after work. I only stayed for fifteen minutes but the anxiety went away. Since I've been there every day for almost a month I've started to notice the routines: medications and breakfast are between 9:00-10:00, our roommate Jean sits in the hall every two days but only when Nurse Anna is there (she's a little grumpy and Anna is the only one that can get her to get out of bed), Issac watches TV at noon and checks his Facebook at 12:30 (we're "good friends" now and will be for a long time), the woman with the pretty pink hat sits by the fountain (rain or shine) after lunch and once a week she eats my FAVORITE Jalapeno potato chips which we've decided we both think are the best chips ever. I've gotten to know a few of the residents and many of the workers at the convalescent home. ...

I was trying to keep track of the days... counting the days, numbering the days... I'm not sure why. Maybe I was trying to sort things out for my heart and my mind...maybe I was trying to make sense of it all, but there is no order or explanation. Beyond what the doctors can tell you, nothing about cancer makes any sense. We are all sitting around wondering if we are witnessing a miracle. Because now it's been far longer than what the doctors told us. We were told 3-5 days. We were told to make peace and call loved ones and to say our good byes... and wait. But we couldn't just sit around and wait. It's hard to get up and go to work everyday. It's hard to justify leaving every evening to try to rest yourself. But we have no other choice. We've had good days, bad days, horrible days, and even worse days. But then when everything starts to feel too heavy we have days like today. It started off a little rocky. [The morphine makes her feel sick. The scenery...

Today we received an unexpected message in the mail. It was a box of old slides from a time long ago when we didn't have to think about it [talk about it] From a time that I didn't even exist...from a time when none of this mattered.  It was nice to reminisce and to hear the stories. We took a break and sat outside in the cool air and the winter sunshine. It was nice [even if it only lasted ten minutes] but then it got hard to breathe. and reality set in.... Today we were in pain. Today was a bad day. Eight days we've been waiting... Eight days we've been visiting and tying loose ends and visiting, visiting, visiting... The rest of the world has not been waiting. Tomorrow we face the flood of unanswered e-mails and missed calls. We have been sitting and waiting and visiting but tomorrow we have to get back to our routines because unfortunately the real world doesn't allow us to sit around and wait for too long.

Today we take a break. Only for a few hours because the heavy has become a bit too unbearable to think. "will you be okay if we come a little later?" We just needed to take a little break from the heavy because there is no telling when the storm will come. It's nice to not have to think about it [talk about it] all we do is talk about it.  Even if it was only for a few hours.  And then we come back...and wait. 

Logistics. I can't even begin to tell you the logistics that need to be taken care of. Bank visits, papers to sign, service details, pink slips, papers to sign, paper work, papers, papers, papers... They ask us about money, we talk about money, a call to the Father and then it's all money, money, money.... Details that you don't want to waste your time with but everyone keeps telling you how necessary they are. ...and then there are the visits. Visits from family and friends that you haven't seen in years. Visits from people who you thought had forgotten. Visits from people that you always knew cared but were never really there. One after another they come through the door; visiting, visiting, visiting... crying, praying, laughing, remembering... When all I want her to do is rest, because then we might get to hold on to her for just a bit longer. ...and this has been the business of dying.

Anger. Fear. Acceptance. Calm. Warm blankets, mittens, special pillows, and cheeseburgers. A nice nap. A conversation about the future....and the word "transition." I really hate that word right now...

Here's the thing about sitting on the sidelines in this fight against cancer; you don't get to choose the kind of game it's going to be. I grew up playing basketball. I even coached high school for a few years. When you're coaching and standing court side you make the decisions... if a player isn't performing, you look to your bench and throw in the subs. When the other team goes on a run, you call a time out and make adjustments. You are ultimately in control of the momentum and direction of the game. You and your team are in control of who gets the "W." ....In this case, you may be sitting on the sidelines with your fancy team of doctors and your vats of poisonous treatments ready for battle... but there are no time outs, there are no subs. There is really only one player out on that court with one body, and no extra vital organs to spare. In this case cancer chooses the momentum of how fast or slow it wants the fight to go. Sometimes after a certain ...

Everything about today was heavy, everything about today was difficult, everything about today was hard...  Although it was heavy and difficult and hard and all of the those types of things...I couldn't help but notice all of the little signs of God's presence (or whichever higher being you choose to believe in).  It was there to keep me strong and to remind me that there will always be light at the end of every darkness. I know it's hard to see right now... but it's there, in the distance.  We will get through this. I just have to remember to breathe...

Yesterday while sitting in the hospital my mother told me a story about her and her "misfits." It was a nice break from the heavy room. ... My mother is a one-on-one aide for special education children. Right now she is placed with a little girl who is legally blind. Her daily tasks are to assist her with her reading, writing, and teaching her braille. Her kid, as I often call her students, is a little bit awkward and a little bit insecure. My mom's kids usually are though; a little bit awkward and a little bit insecure. How could you not be when you're stuck with a dorky lady all day. It's one thing being singled out when you're 9 or 10 and classified as "special education," but it's an entirely different thing when you get stuck with a dorky lady that has to sit next to you all day. My mom doesn't have an easy job. Sometimes children can be cruel to one another...and to the dorky lady that has to sit next to the dorky blin...

Lately I've been experiencing some very heavy days. I've decided that the only thing to do at the end of one of these heavy days is to find a hole and hide in it. I am going to bury my entire being underneath a warm comfortable depth of solitude. I am going to mute all the noisy, doubtful, angry, sad, and pessimistic thoughts that creep into my usually overly optimistic mind... I'm going to a place where there is no cell phone reception or roads for anyone to find me... I am going to hide in a big giant hole..... But then someone reminds me that tomorrow is Monday. I'm supposed to dust myself off and push the heavy aside. I'm supposed to continue on like the strong woman I am striving to be... I have been hard pressed for my own words...so I will borrow others'. Here's an old one that has always brought back a little bit of strength and reminding me that it's not supposed to be easy. 'Water, on the other hand!--ha...

"Calm down deep breaths and get yourself dressed instead of running around and pulling on your threads and breaking yourself up If it's a broken part, replace it if it's a broken arm, then brace it if it's a broken hear, then face it..." "Sometimes we love with nothing more than hope. Sometimes we cry with everything except tears. In the end that's all there is: love and its duty, sorrow and its truth. In the end that's all we have -- to hold tight until the dawn."  - Shantaram , Gregory David Roberts